-The corridor outside Antonion Banderas’s ward, was chock full of reporters, newscrews, fans and one little old Nanna Noonie, who was waving madly from behind ET Reporter, Rob Marciano, who is grinning widely at the camera. The producer, starts the countdown, using his fingers, as the lighting guy, turns on the bright light for the cameras.”Thanks, Mary. Coming to you live from outside the room of one Antonio Banderas, famous for such voice over acting for Puss in Boots, and more recently, the tragic commercial shoot for Oil of Ole’, here in sunny spain. I have with me one of the Administration staff, who is happy to come on camera and fill us all in on Antonio’s condition.”-
The camera pans to a small man in a pin striped suit, with a shocker of a comb over and gold front teeth. Rob thrusts the microphone in Jose Garza’s face and the poor man blinks with surprise, by all the noise and attention.
“Hello … Yo soy el administrador del hospital, y estamos cuidando el Sr. Banderas, bajo estrictas INSTUCTIONS de su gestión y su esposa, que err .. Sólo puedo decir .. él está descansando cómodamente, y que la operación en su … err .. ano, es el éxito. ”
(translation: “Hello… I am the hospital administrator, and we are looking after Mr Banderas, under strict instuctions from his Management and his wife, that err..We can only say to you..he is resting comfortably, and that the operation on his…err..anus, is success.”) – Jose nods and then gives the double thumbs up, before you can hear a voice from behind.
“Hello …Inga…Nanna is on the TV!!”- yes, Nanna Noonie is waving madly, and the camera shows her wearing a souvineer shirt on it, with a picture of Antonio, with a shocked expression and the word “Ole'” written on it in blood. As the TV studio play a clip of the commercial for the world wide audience, Rob Marciano, who had done his homework, recognises her from the footage of the scenes at the outside of the bullring, and makes his way over to her, with the camera men following. Smiling as he gets the feed they are once again live, he grins, placing an arm around the dimunitive Nanna Noonie.
“Folks, here with us now, is none other than the Oil of Ole’s Star’s Nanna, Nanna Noonie!.”- the other hospital staff and the fans all clap as she bows to the camera and takes the microphone off Rob. “Ello Mary..’Art…Love youz hair. Yes, I am Inga’s great great grandmother, and I come to Spain…..to see the Mr Antonio, but he had…very bad time at the shoot. Yah?’ -all the people behind her nod in agreeance, as Rob finds this very exciting to have the live witness right there in the hospital.
“So…Nanna, have you come in to see Mr Antonio, on behalf of Inga Snoggleblom, the now famous face of Oil of Ole’?” Rob asked, as he wrestles with the microphone, which Noonie has a commanding hold of. “Yah…Yah…Inga cannot come say…hello…cause she is at the er… Tomatina, in …er how you say…town of Buñol. Heh.” –
Meanwhile off in the town of Buñol, Inga and her loving fiance’ Kraus Zimmerman, have just entered the VIP area of the square, where the Mayor, has come out specially to welcome the famous Inga. He blinks in surprise to see she is wearing all white, with a large red flower in her hair, matching white shoes and her trade mark, Hello Kitty clutch.
“Bienvenido Bienvenido Srta. Inga, al famoso mundo, Tomatina. Yo soy el alcalde, y te explico … todo sobre nuestro maravilloso festival “.
(translation: “Welcome Welcome Miss Inga, to the world famous, Tomatina. I am the Mayor, and I explain to you…all about our wonderful festival.”)
Inga grinned and then looked at Kraus, since her knowledge of Spanish, was two words. Ole’ and of course, Si.
Kraus bent down to her ear and whispered in english what the Mayor had just said and she nodded saying “Ahhhh.” Still no idea what the festival was all about, she glanced over at where they were greasing up a large pole, and Inga instantly went right to the gutter, in her thoughts of what that was for.
“I am not dancing against that!” – Her eyes wide as saucers, and Kraus quickly relayed to the Mayor, what she had said. “Yo soy Kraus, novio de Inga ‘, y ella es un poco nuevo a sus costumbres, ella piensa que la pole es para bailar el …. jajaja.” (translation: – “I am Kraus, Inga’s fiance’ and she is a bit new to your customs, she thinks the pole is for dancing on….hahaha.”)
The Mayor burst out laughing, clutching his sides, and shaking his head. “”Está bien, entonces usted va a explicar a ella, lo que estoy diciendo … muy bueno. Ahora, el polo, es el” palo jabón “, similar a la cucaña, y los hombres, le pusieron un jamón en la parte superior . Ahora, el truco es subir la cucaña, y este es el comienzo de la fiesta. ”
(translation: – “Okay, then you will explain to her, what I am saying…very good. Now, the pole, It is the “palo jabón”, similar to the greasy pole, and the men, they put a ham at the top. Now, the trick, is to climb the greasy pole, and this is the start of the festival.”)
Sure enough, the palo jabón was raised up and this was when all hell broke loose in the square. People started chanting, as the crowd worked into a frenzy of singing and dancing . The Mayor ushered the couple out, where Inga smiled brightly, clapping her hands….until, men with hoses from above, started to spray everyone with water.
“AAAGGGHHHH!!….My dress…I’m not wearing a bra!!”- yes, she was soaked, and I mean….the wet t shirt competition to end it all. More and more people danced around her, as Kraus couldn’t stop laughing, seeing his beautiful Inga’s perky nipples. As one man reached the top and threw down the ham. The crowd erupted, as a jet of water was fired into the air, for this was the signal, for the trucks. Dozens of trucks entered the Plaza del Pueblo, and that was when, Inga got hit smack bang in the face with a tomato.
“EEEP!!..Who threw that?….Who threw that?” She pointed at the truck as at least six people all aimed and started pelting her with tomatoes. ~SPLATT SPLATT SPLATT~ Wow, in her hair, her cleavage, all over her sparkling white dress. Tried as she might to outrun the tomato throwers, she was being pelted from all sides. Kraus was in fits of laughter, picking up tomatoes and throwing them back at the people on the trucks. Inga was positively red…with tomato juice, as her screams and protests were drowned out by the singing dancing, tomato throwing crowd. There would be nearly an hour of non stop tomato throwing, a living hell for our Inga, who was only recognisable, beneath the tomato paste, by her over ripe breasts.
Back at the hospital, the ET Reporter was packing up, as Nanna Noonie, flashed her VIP tag from the movie set, and was let into Antonio’s ward, where there were dozens of bunches of flowers and get well cards, from fans, family and his production company. Antonio, was the Mummy man, all wrapped up from head to foot in bandages, and the machinery that was all wired into him, beeping quietly. Antonio seemed to be asleep, or at least was, until Nanna Noonie pulled up beside him, and held out a photograph, of him being impaled by the bull, at the infamous shoot.
“Hello….Mr Banderas….its me…Nanna Noonie. Oh…you poor thing…I just come to say…Youz are very brave man, many men could not have stayed in the bull ring as long as youz. I say…when the bull got you the third time…I say…..oh Brave Antonio. Did you break anything? Oh…I want your autograph too. I got pen”
Antonio opened his eyes, seeing Nanna Noonie there, and all he could do, was mumble, due to having his jaw wired, and all the bandaging.
“Mmmph!…Mmmph!”- Nanna Noonie, patted one of his legs, which made him moan loudly, for he had broken that one. ‘MMMPH!” Nanna Noonie smiled and then placed the pen in his hand and using his elbow, held with her free hand, she helped him sign his name, whilst it was obvious, he was in a lot of pain. His backside was actually held aloft by a large inflatable ring cushion, so that he wasn’t resting on his backside. But as Nanna Noonie leant forward, one of her pins in her dress pricked the side of the ring, and there was an audible hissing sound…..a slow leak.
Taking back the photograph, she smiled brightly and slapped his leg again. “MMMMPH!”- his eyes were rolling back in his head from the pain he was experiencing, and Nanna Noonie was too enthralled, with the photograph, to seem to notice. “Yah…you very lucky man. My Inga, she sends her love.” Just then, the doctors entered the room, along with the special branch of the Drugs squad. The doctor showed the Chief detective the blood tox screening, and then that was when the Chief Detective walked up to the bedside of Antonio and slapped cuffs on his wrist, that wasn’t bandaged.
“Señor Bandareras, usted ha sido acusado de consumo de drogas, mientras que el trabajo con los Bulls y se encuentran bajo arresto hospital, en espera de una investigación más a fondo. No nos gusta que nuestros toreros a luchar bajo la influencia de narcóticos. ¿Tiene todo lo que quieras que decir? ”
(translation: – “Senor Bandareras, you have been charged with drug use, whilst working with the Bulls and are under hospital arrest, pending a further investigation. We do not like our bull fighters to fight when under the influence of narcotics. Do you have anything you want to say?”)
“MMMMMMPH!” – was about all Antonio could say, his eyes red rimmed, as he saw Nanna Noonie shake hands with all the policemen and the doctors. “You take…good care of Antonio….You all…very good. Bye Bye.” The door would close behind her, as she left his room, and you could hear the muffled screams of protest, as Nanna Noonie headed for the nearest lift to go back to her hotel.
As the lift door opened, Melanie Griffith was walking out, armed with a bunch of flowers for her darling husband. Nanna Noonie stepped in the lift and as Melanie suddenly recognised her, spinning on her heel, Nanna held up the signed autograph, of Antonio and the bull.
“Your husband…..good man. But I think he is going to stay in Spain a long long time….yah?” Just as Melanie screamed at her, the doors closed, and Noonie smiled to herself. “He loves my muffins…yah…hehehe.”
Back in Plaza del Pueblo, Inga was now in the throes of becoming a real part of the Tomatina. Absolutely covered in the disgusting tomatoes from Extremadura, she is now so red and gooey, that she finally can see the funny side of it all. Grabbing up handfuls of tomato goo, she opens Kraus’s pants and shoves it down inside, and then gives the outside a good slap. Her cotton dress, has not fared so well, the buttons come lose, and she is really giving the surrounding people an ample display of her “wares” In the heat of it all, Kraus sweeps her up into his arms, and kisses her hungrily, the taste of the tomatoes, all he could get.
“My little Cherry Tomato. I am so going to eat you later.” <3>